Back on Track

During the online couple’s workshop last year, I told everyone they can each do something helpful to get out of conflict within 30 seconds of a conversation heading off the tracks. They all looked at me in shock. 

Both partners can make choices in a moment of distress to either move toward or away from connection. 

One choice is the choice to pay attention to your partner’s experience in conversation, or stay solely with your own. Staying only with your experience might look like continuing to share the same point over and over because you are not sure your partner really understands you. Or withdrawing because the conversation is too “heated”. In sessions, I call this “I-positioning” instead of caring for “we.”

Choosing connection requires that both partners are committed to each other’s experience and engagement in the conversation, and when the conversation goes “off the tracks” both partners are quick to share accountability and move back toward connection. This includes both partners being accountable to supporting the behaviors and language that express mutual care and safety.  

Below are skills that help couples stay committed to both partners' experience. I broke the skills up into beginning, middle, and end of the conversation so you have options at any point. This is a long one, and so use this as a reference as you learn more about communication. 

Beginning

Soft Start Up: This is a Gottman Institute skill where you share information from your experience and request what you need/want with clarity and both people in mind. That means you are paying attention to tone, rate of speech, language and delivery when you are communicating. 

Example: “I feel sad when we don’t get to connect in the evenings after work, and I would like to find ways to prioritize that together.”

Beckoning: This PACT Institute skill means you are thinking about what makes the request you are making “good” for your partner. Meaning you are not using fear, guilt, blame, or shame to convince your partner to do something. 

Example: “Honey, I know you don’t like going to these events. I would really like you to come and I wonder if you would like it if I introduce you to a few friends of mine and keep you by my side so you don’t feel isolated while I am networking. We can also leave any time you request, and when we get home I will be up for making us dinner or doing an activity you choose.” 

Know your audience: This skill is similar to beckoning but it takes it a bit further. You know your partner, likely, better than anyone else in the world. Does your communication keep that in mind? How are you considering them when you are pitching ideas, do you know what they like, dislike, what scares them the most, when they feel the most vulnerable?  

Example: “I know you are nervous about being away from our new baby for this weekend event. Can we talk more about your fears and come up with a plan together on how to support you?” 

Reflective Listening: Reflective listening skills are incredibly important. I always encourage couples to think about what ingredients make for good listening. Some include: eye contact, repeating back what you heard to make sure you are clear, using open ended questions (how, when, where), staying present, showing curiosity, and using empathy and validation when emotions are expressed. 

Example: “What I am hearing you say is ‘you feel hurt when I don’t communicate that I am going to be home late, because it makes you think I don’t think about you’. Did I get that right? I think it makes sense you feel hurt when I don’t communicate (accountability and validation/empathy). I can work on communicating when plans change, and will you help me be successful with that by calling me when I am late. Sometimes I lose track of time and I don’t always realize it (shared accountability and support). 

Timing: Checking that it is a good time for a conversation guarantees that both partners are able and ready to engage. 

Example: “Hey honey, I wanted to sit down and discuss our vacation goals and plans, is this evening a good time for both of us to connect?” 

Middle 

Emotional Support: When you notice your partner’s affect change (tone of voice changes, eyes water, rate of speech increases, eyes widen, gesturing change) reflect the emotion you are seeing. Learning each other’s expressions and emotions means you will slow down and get curious about each other’s emotions because emotions show us what someone needs and cares about. 

Example: “You feel frustrated when I talk over you.” “You feel sad when you think I am not prioritizing our relationship in the ways you need”. “You feel scared when you haven’t heard from me when we planned to meet.” 

Co-regulation: This means when either person is expressing signs of dysregulation we stop and support that emotion before proceeding in communication. When either person experiences an emotion of six or above (scale 1-10), it means communication skills will decrease in functioning because our brain is sending energy to the emotion and brain functions like judgment, perspective taking, memory, and speech may diminish. It is important to slow down, invite curiosity, compassion, and connection when emotions are present. 

Example: “Hey honey, I can tell this means a lot to you. Can we pause the conversation about planning for vacation? I want to understand what you are feeling right now, and what you need.” 

Identifying the goal of the conversation: Communication can often move too quickly and without clarifying the goal or what you are both trying to achieve. Miscommunication can happen fast when both partners have different ideas about what they are aiming to achieve. 

Example: “Love, I would like to talk about ways we can make time for each other with our busy schedules. Can we have a conversation about that today?” 

“Good Deal” Solutions: Whenever you are working toward solutions it needs to be a good deal for both of you. If one of you is doing something just because it is good for your partner, but not for you, you both lose. That is a recipe for score keeping and resentment. When you are problem solving make sure you are both truly saying “yes” to the solution so you both have shared accountability in the outcome. 

Example: “I know you want to spend more time with your family and I often want our vacation time to be for just us, how can we find a solution that works for both of us?” 

Checking Assumptions: It is too easy to jump into reactivity about what we think someone means before checking. Curiosity and reflecting back what we heard are key if this dynamic is present. This one requires checking on what you think your partner said, as well as what assumptions you are making about their behavior or emotions. 

End 

Taking Breaks: Sometimes the conversation goes off the tracks and you both need a break before you reconnect. Before you leave the conversation, is it key to plan a time to come back together, and helpful to express care prior to taking a break. 

Example: “Honey, I think I need a break before we continue this conversation. Do you think we can come back to this after I go for a walk and regulate a bit (regulation can happen together or apart). I love you, I can tell I am not communicating the way I want to and need to get some air.” 

Tip: when you are taking a break from a conversation, watch for creating stories or picking up the conversation in your mind. A regulation break is taking care of your nervous system with deep breathing, a walk, listening to music, or taking a cold shower. Once you are both regulated again come back to the goal and organize what you are trying to solve or communicate. 

Repair: Sometimes the conversation goes “off the tracks” and you say something hurtful or self-serving. When you are regulated, express apology with genuine accountability for your part. Both partners are equally responsible for repair when a conversation goes off the tracks. 

Example: 

Partner A: “Honey, when we were talking before, I noticed myself stop listening when I heard you say “you don’t care about me”. I got defensive because I do care about you and instead of listening to what you need differently I got so focused on all the ways I do show you care. 

Partner B: “Thank you love, I know I didn’t communicate that in a supportive way.  I could have said, “You support me in so many ways, and I am noticing I want care in this way too.” 

Choosing to care for both partners in any conversation is foundational to secure functioning relationships and means both of you are responsible for getting a conversation back on the track of connection at any time. My encouragement is to plan some time together to discuss how you both want to work together when distress or unhelpful communication starts to ensue. 

Want to space dive deeper into these skills? Join the 5-week Relationship Essentials Workshop this fall starting Oct 15, 2024.