Connection Before Communication

When was the last time you remember feeling the most connected to a significant other (could be a friend, romantic partner, etc.)? Where were you? What were you doing? What did it feel like?

I recently was on a trip with a close friend who I hadn’t had one-on-one time with since prior to the pandemic. It struck me how special it was to have one-on-one time with a friend with no distractions. For most of the day we had no partners present, just four full days of time together. We went skiing, we jumped in a cold lake, made dinners (and her loving partner made us some delicious dinners), and mostly were present as we shared about our lives, our worries, our challenges, and joys. I felt so connected and refreshed to get that intentional time with someone I genuinely admire and care about. 

Recently, I have seen a theme of connection arise over and over again. Connection is the antidote to loneliness, and yet, so much disconnection abounds in this busy, technical world. 

In John Howard’s new book More Than Words (2024) he writes, “Connection is trust in the security of your relationship and how confident you feel that you have the emotional support of your partner”. Howard’s book explores how connection is the key component of communication. He explains that without strong connection our words get lost. Communication takes an incredible amount of our brain’s resources and when we are overwhelmed, sad, lonely, mad, excited, really any emotion that feels above a six on a scale of 1-10 (ten being the most intense emotions you felt), we may not communicate our words with thoughtfulness. Additionally, if our friend, parent, spouse, or boss is distracted with their emotional experience it’s the same thing, they might not be able to fully process what you said to understand the nuance or slow down and stay curious about what you really mean. Yet, how often do we slow down to make sure both parties are regulated and present before we communicate?

The feeling of connection is built on a foundation of acceptance of the other person, trust, emotional attunement/support and loving care (for instance: words of affirmation, touch, empathy, validation, and curiosity). 

Connection takes intentional time to build and maintain. How many of us are guilty of sitting and watching a show instead of creating space to build connections with loved ones? Or sharing something important when neither of you are fully listening or connected? Or trying to share our “side” before we really understand and let the other person know we understand their experience?

Connection can be experienced by sharing a mutually enjoyed activity, discussing ways to keep working on the relationship together, and creating time for play and intimacy (if a romantic relationship). But it can also be shared in the smallest of ways—giving each other a hug when you reunite at the end of the work day, looking at each other while you talk about your experiences of the day, putting a gentle hand on each other when someone expresses emotion (as long as they are okay with touch), reflecting back what the other person said so they know you are listening, or responding with validation of their experience.

Connection requires presence and when we are in the storm of distraction (be it our own emotion, a device, or a thought from the day) it makes it really easy to miss one another. While the tools of technology make it easier to “connect” or rather to talk/see each other, it does not replace the human need for the physical presence of another person. Our nervous systems, our regulation systems, need other loving humans to help us cope and regulate emotions, and our minds need other humans to help us weed out unhelpful thoughts and beliefs. 

My encouragement this month is see what you can do to be more present with each other in how you express connection. Can you work together on spending time that builds that emotional safety and support with at least one close other in your life?

If you want an intentional space to practice connection with your romantic partner this summer consider joining for the Yellowstone Couples Adventure. Wilderness is one of the best places to practice connection and presence because it forces us to unplug and experience each other again in a real way. 

Report back, I would love to hear what you come up with!

Thanks for being here,

Blair
Ps. Big plug for “More Than Words: The Science of Deepening Love and Connection in Any Relationship” by John Howard, LMFT if you want to learn more about connection!