Communication Skills- What Are They?

When couples call me to start couples counseling, most say we are looking for help with communication. When we get into the work, I show couples that communication has a lot to it. Good communication includes: timing, language, tone, eye contact, knowing your partner, responsibility taking/accountability, empathy, validation, understanding emotions, trust and more!  

So… Read on to learn how to do some of these!  And if you keep getting stuck, (here is a shameless plug) join me on one of my retreats or in the office (if you live in Montana). 

1) Be timely and thoughtful about when to talk. Finding a good time to connect about hard topics is key! Limit distractions make sure both people are rested, engaged and attentive. 

Avoid: Try NOT to have a hard conversation in the car (unless you can park and look at each other) or while you are doing chores… you need to be looking at each other, and side glances can be mis-appraised as a threat! 

2) Look at each other. When you are having an important conversation be sure and look at each other during the conversation so you know how your words are impacting your partner. If you notice emotion, pause to validate and empathize with them before you continue. 

3) Validate and Empathize with each other. Validation is letting the other person know you understand their emotions and experience (even, and especially, when it is different than yours). Empathy is feeling with them and putting ourselves in their shoes. Validation and empathy can still exist with different experiences and emotions.

Validation: “I know my goals for our vacation are different from yours, and it makes sense you feel sad that I do not want to do this activity with you.” 

Empathy: “I can see how much this hurts, and I can understand why you are upset.” 

4) Express your emotions clearly. Owning your feelings and regulating reactions (deep breath, take a break, pause and think about what you are feeling and what you need) helps the information you want to share be truly received. We cannot control how others react or feel—we can only own how we feel, act, and what we say!  

Example: I feel sad …when… [action, behavior, expression of words from someone].

Avoid: “You made me feel”… (This does not own the feeling, and instead places blame on the other person for our feelings. Instead, name the behavior, action or words that evoked the feeling—own it!) 

Avoid: “If you don't do this I will”...(Express your needs without enlisting threats, fear, or guilt to convince your needs are important. If you are sharing your feelings then it is important! 

5) Take accountability for your actions, without blame or excuses. If someone shares with you that you did something that hurt them, own it. This is such a common mistake… we will get defensive and toss blame back saying “yeah, well, I would not have done that if you didn’t…” NOT helpful. Take accountability and say, “I can see how my action or words hurt you, and I am sorry!” The more we learn about what hurts our significant others the better we can support each other. 

6) Check your voice and tone. Is your tone low (not high pitched or too fast), slow, and clear? 

7) Explore Assumptions/Stories.  We often create stories about why someone is acting, feeling, or saying things. Ask yourself: “the story I am telling myself is…” and notice are you reacting to—story or reality? Try and address behavior (actions/words) not the stories/ assumptions. 

Example: “When I do not hear from you during the day and I start to assume I do not matter to you. I want to talk about that experience because it is hard for me.”

8) Stay curious about each other’s experience. Staying open and curious are the best ways to understand others. When the assumptions/stories start, we can quickly lose perspective of what may have really happened or why someone is acting or feeling a certain way. That means listening without retaliation, justification, or defending our own experience. How we experience the world is different for all of us and it is important to understand both sides.

Example: “What is it like for you during the work day? What do you think makes it hard to connect?”

9) Make suggestions or requests about your needs. Be careful not to command or demand. Instead use: "I would like..." "We could..."

Example: “When you go to lunch, could you try sending me a text about your day?”

10) Solution finding: Exploring options in partnership helps ensure the solution works to mutually benefit both people. Meaning, neither person is getting a bad deal. Bad deals store resentment in the relationship and end up fueling intense reactions later on. Make sure you are advocating for what you really want, and what you are willing to stand behind.

11) Repair: When we don’t say it right the first time, repair. Which means we take apologize, take accountability, and empathize. 

Examples: "The first time I tried to talk about this… I (own behavior or reaction)." or "I am sorry for…[behavior] and here’s where I can improve."

Avoid: "I am sorry you feel..." (that invalidates their emotion.)

12) Practice: Try these skills out!

• Reminder: the more we practice the better we get at navigating difficult conversations.

• Stay curious and kind with yourself as you learn!

I look forward to hearing how these go! Reach out with any questions and stories.