5 minutes a day.

In a long-term relationship connection is one component that takes work to deepen and maintain. Certainly, there is connection in doing day to day life with someone, and when partnered for years and maybe even decades it is easy to “automate” each other. Over time, we build procedural or implicit memories of each other which can create comfort, familiarity, and ultimately takes less energy for our brain to use in connecting with people we know. The downfall of this neural shortcut is it may be tempting to assume there is not much “new” to learn about your partner when in reality they are changing and having experiences day to day that are worth sharing and connecting on. Not only are there new things to learn about your partner, there are new ways you can encourage creativity and energy into your relationship. 

When you are in a new relationship there is a lot of motivation to work hard to keep the relationship. When you have been together for a long time and are committed to one another it takes more work and intentionality to create novelty and connection with each other because there is less immediate risk in losing one another. While fear can be a short-term motivator for connection, new relationship fear is hopefully replaced by cultivating security and support within the relationship, and taking time to regularly identify what both partners need to feel nurtured in the relationship. 

Do you have conversations about what sparks excitement and connection on a regular basis? Do you commit time with each other to do fun new things? 

Do you spend time asking each other about dreams, goals, interests like you did in the beginning? 

Do you spend time getting to know each other’s emotions and thoughts? 

There are many facets of connection a relationship needs: physical, emotional, spiritual (if applicable), and intellectual. Do you know what kinds of connections your relationship might need a boost in? Maybe it’s connecting more in the maintenance sides of life like organizing systems for meals, cleaning, coparenting, finances, or maybe you need more time for romantic connection and intimacy. Know that different types of connection can be in need of more care than others at different stages in the relationship. When was the last time you stopped and checked in with each other on what aspects your relationship feels strong in and what areas could use some tending. 

What if you started with just 5 minutes a day on investing in the relationship. It could be offering a hug, helping your partner with something they usually do themselves, giving them a massage, spending 5 minutes planning a dinner or date idea, asking them a question you haven’t asked in a while. Really it could be anything! Just commit to 5 minutes for the relationship a day (per person), and see what happens. 

What happens when both partners are on the look out of nurturing connection and offering loving gestures to each other every day? 

If you are interested in spending a few hours connecting with your person next week, my dear friend and colleague Rachel Esbjorson LMT and I are hosting a dinner at the 1889 Barn on Valentine’s Day. Rachel will teach a workshop on partner massage techniques and after a splendid dinner by Sadie’s Catering I will walk you through more ideas on cultivating connection. 

Tickets are available here: https://events.sellout.io/Couples-Dinner-at-the-1889-Barn-copy

And even if you can’t make the dinner, my biggest encouragement is see what you can do for your relationship that builds connection this month, and let me know how it goes!