The Break Up Button
All too often I see moments where one or both partners threaten to break up during arguments. Using these threats in conflict is damaging to the relationship and will compromise relationship safety and security. I see this attack strategy when the conflict and patterns in the relationship feel overwhelming, and all of sudden a partner will blurt out something like “I can’t do this anymore, if you can’t change we might as well break up”. I call this the “break up button.” It is a show stopper and most of the time ends the conflict with one or both partners storming off and reeling about the moment or what just happened.
Here’s the deal, frustration with the situation is valid, and threatening to end the relationship especially in a conflict, or heated moment, breaks down trust and the safety and security in the relationship. It is okay to be fed up with a behavior and/or a pattern, and if you are seriously planning to end the relationship because of it then let that be an intentional, thought-out decision that you communicate with your partner when you are calm. When used in a conflict you are risking breaking trust with your partner, and often missing a chance to express and work on the real reason you are upset. It’s an easy out, just like calling each other names, or citing your partner’s vulnerability “you are acting just like your father right now”. These are all what I call “shooting from the hip” moves, and they only serve to make you feel temporarily powerful and self-protected but never actually solve the problem or support your relationship.
Self protective moves (shooting from the hip) are temporary releases of emotion, but they actually never help bring you closer, never solve the problem of the original conflict, and always break down trust ultimately making it slower to repair the conflict. So what do we do instead?
When either you or your partner notice a big emotion, say a six and above on a scale of 1-10, stop and check in with your regulation or the energy of that emotion in your body. Maybe you notice your partner's eyelids expanding, or shoulders tensing, their tone and rate of speech increasing. Maybe you notice your own breath getting shallower and heart rate speeding up, or your body wants to leave the room.
Checking in with regulation often means pausing the conversation for a moment (you will get back to it) and taking some deep breaths, or holding each other's hands and looking in each other’s eyes to reconnect. Essentially, slow down your physiological response to allow you to collect your thoughts.
It is a great time to notice that your and your partner are on the same team. See what you can do to soften, show kindness, and express care for each other.
Get clear on the goal of communication. What are you hoping to accomplish with this conservation? (Ex: Are you trying to share how you are impacted by your partner’s behavior? Are you trying to solve a dilemma?)
Name what the goal is. “I want to share how I have been feeling.” or “Can we discuss what we want to do for our vacation?”
Get clear on who is the listener in that moment and who is the speaker (no talking over each other!). “Is it okay if I start? Last week, when you said you don’t want to see my parents for vacation I noticed I felt sad because I was really looking forward to seeing them again soon.” If your job is to listen, it is helpful to respond with validation, empathy, and curiosity first. For example, “I can understand feeling sad when I said that (validation). Tell me more about what your hopes are for our vacation time (curiosity).”
Tip: the more we know about each other’s ideas, goals, needs the better we can get at creative solutions that work for both partners.
Once the listener feels validated, understood, and heard then you can switch roles and be the speaker. “Can I share more about my hopes for our vacation time? I completely understand (because I just took the time to listen) why it would have been hurtful for me to say I didn’t want to see your parents (accountability). I did not consider or ask what you were feeling excited about (collaboration). Is there a way we might be able to make this vacation time fit for both of us?
If both partners are feeling regulated then keep working on ideas and brainstorming solutions together. Maybe start with a full brainstorm of ideas and work toward a decision that feels supportive to both partners. Take breaks if you need. Creative solutions take lots of brain energy and focus so make sure to take care of your bodies and come back to the solution finding when you both feel regulated.
Most conflicts get nasty because we don’t slow down to regulate, connect (see previous blog post), and identify what you are aiming to communicate. Usually, what you most need to share is only one or two sentences, but too often I see folks jump in with unfocused thoughts that can come off as “blamey” or confusing.
Communication requires a lot of brain energy, so do not take it lightly especially if you feel hurt, angry, or scared. Regulate first (which means take care of the energy of that emotion either together as a couple or alone), and then decide how you want to express it with care and connection.
Okay, so can we all agree to stop shooting from the hip in a fight, along with no name calling, walking away (without calling for a quick regulation break and making a plan to come back together), yelling, using our partner’s vulnerability as retaliation, and any other behavior that we know hurts the other person? I promise hurting them because you feel hurt will not help you feel validated or heard. Instead, take the time to really slow down and figure out how you can best express your ideas collaboratively.
Connect with any questions you have or any topics you want to see discussed in this newsletter/blog.
