Transitions and Grief

I have not always wanted to be a mother, and if I am honest with myself, I likely only have a glimpse of what it will really require of me. Many of the books I am reading are working to prepare me with the strong caveat that you can’t really be prepared. Once my husband and I decided we were going to try, I found myself recognizing many of my “lasts”. This was the last summer pre-baby, my last races, international trips, last trips with friends, and last camping trips with just the two of us. My brother, upon discussing this, mentioned, “you know you are not dying right?” In some ways, he is correct. Not all of these won’t happen again, and I know there is a reality where I will no longer be only thinking of me. This is already true during pregnancy. Make sure the bath is not too hot, make sure not to fall while skiing, make sure not to eat the wrong foods, or sleep on my back, or drink too much caffeine. The season of change is already upon us. There’s still lots to do to ready the house and ourselves for the baby, and I can feel time and energy will be at odds with each other in what I will want to do prior to their arrival. 

There is already nostalgia for this season when it’s just Nick and I, and we putter through the day, have hours together to talk things through, or get things done efficiently, or at the last minute pack up the car and go for a day trip three hours away. Just as I am nostalgic for my years in Alaska and my early twenties when “yes” was my primary answer to things in life. Yes, I will take a job cooking in remote Alaska. Yes, I will try ice climbing, backcountry skiing, and rock climbing. Yes, I fly in a bush plane with my friend who is 22 years old and newly licensed to fly. 

I think it can be hard to accept when there is a part of life that is dying, even if it is simply a fact of life. I know our little’s infancy will be a quickly fleeting stage, as will all that come after. Part of life is accepting and being with its constant deaths, and if I don’t acknowledge those tender emotions, the sadness, the fear, the goodbyes in the changes in life I know I am often left feeling unwhole. These feelings were alongside my engagement when I was acknowledging the other doors in life closing, like the other unknown potential partners and the single life I had come to adore (and at times disdain), and while I was ready and more than confident in the person I was choosing I knew I had to let myself feel the grief of those doors in order to be present in my yes. I believe there are many big turns that grief can arise within— be it relationship commitment, break ups, death, change in ability, or life stage changes (like friends starting relationships, career changes, or kids moving out of the home for the first time). 

Many of my clients hear me say that with every yes and no in life there are freedoms and losses, our job is to discern which losses we are able to accept and be with. Choosing to be a mother is one of my “yes’s” and it means it inevitably comes with losses. My job is to acknowledge and be with the changes, the emotions that arise, and all that this choice will bring into my world challenging and joyous. What if we all got good at saying goodbye, letting ourselves hurt and feel sad when the feelings are present even when they are accompanied by really wonderful changes? Transitions are but little reminders of our morality, with each turn we are drifting with change.