Transitions (Part 2- Goodbyes)
This past month was filled with many sweet goodbyes as I wrapped up work with my clients and my office for the past 5 years almost to the day. This season of change has me reflecting a lot on the power and importance of goodbyes (I also wrote about this topic in March in my blog post on Transitions and Grief). I am finding that this topic is really not talked about much and have found it helpful to explore and name, so I wanted to share more.
In sessions, when I inquired about what goodbye meant to each client, I often heard I don’t like goodbyes or I am not good at goodbyes. These answers didn’t surprise me as goodbyes bring up difficult feelings, and there are not really many rituals or discussions culturally that help us deal with seasons of change and goodbyes.
I find honoring change an important part of how I navigate in relationships. This spring, I found it important to connect with close people in my life to talk about how early motherhood/postpartum might increase my needs for various kinds of support, and decrease some of my capacity for connecting and offering care in the ways I am used to. With my professional relationships, I engaged in a similar process and finalized work with my entire caseload prior to maternity leave. I found that talking about these changes can be unfamiliar terrain for many, which makes complete sense given the landscape of how I hear most relationship endings/changes go. Too often relationships end in turmoil, misunderstandings, distancing, or heartbreak, and many important sentiments left unsaid.
In the past month in my clinical work I have had the opportunity to explore ending relationships with thoughtfulness, care, deep respect, and support. Modeling discussions about relationship changes and endings in this way is one of the most precious parts of my work. While I, too, do not enjoy saying goodbye there can be such tenderness in saying “I am so grateful for the time we spent together” and really giving credence to a season of relationship.
How often have you been able to say goodbye or acknowledge changes intentionally in relationships and really honor what a relationship meant? I know in my personal life those changes used to happen more often than not without conversation, and recently I have been working on talking about changes with friends and family more openly. While not every conversation has been easy, it has led to some important acknowledgments and sharing of what the relationship needs during this stage, and reconfiguring what is possible and what is not during this season of life.
One ritual I wanted to share that I use for goodbyes whether it is moving, a relationship changing, or loss is acknowledging what I am saying goodbye to and what I am inviting in for this next chapter. For instance, when moving out of my office I acknowledged and said goodbye to all the powerful moments of change with people I care deeply for, and the holding place that space provided. I also acknowledged that putting work down for the time being is offering space for my new relationship with my son who will need most of my attention for the first part of his life.
As I prepare for the birth of my son, I wanted to share this reflection to encourage checking in on what you need in relationships right now, and how you might share that with the trusted relationships in your life. I will say, not everyone will be able to meet you in the conversation the way you need/want, and it is important to know what you need in a relationship and care for those needs and wants.
I hope to share more reflections when I am ready about my own transition to motherhood, and this will be my last blog for a bit while we prepare to move through these early months together.
Sending care and love in the meantime,
Blair
