Asking for Help is Helpful

Recently, my community has been going through many big shifts where many of my friends are jumping into first time parenthood, diving into big career changes, marriages, moves and more. It has been a gift to be alongside my friends during these growth-filled times and I will say it has been a learning experience for me to figure out what it means to support my loved ones—be it a friend, family member, or significant other. In my reflections I decided to put together a few of the lessons I have been gathering along the way that can be applied to any kind of relationship. 

First lesson: Don’t assume your significant others/friends/siblings/etc. will express themselves if they need you. There are so many stories we tell ourselves that prevent us from reaching out (some are shared in lesson three) and when we are stressed out and tired we may isolate and feel too overwhelmed to even share what we need. When we are overwhelmed, scheduling and communicating can feel like an additional load. Instead, if you notice your friend/partner/loved one has not connected in a while or seems overwhelmed try asking a direct question instead. Know they may not be ready to respond yet, and that it is often helpful to hear you are thinking of them. It can be supportive to name that you don’t need a response and/or that you would like to be part of their transition or challenge when they are ready.

Here are a few examples: 

“I know this transition is challenging, can I support you by [insert an idea]?”  

“Can I swing by this evening and help you with cleaning or dinner prep? 

“How are you feeling? Do you want to connect this week?” 

“Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a bit, and want to check in on how you are.” 

“Hey, I want you to know I am here if you want to connect and it’s okay if you need solo time too.” 

Second lesson: Chat about changes you anticipate and/or are experiencing and how the needs in your relationship might change or need to change. I realized after a few of my friends became parents that it was helpful to talk about the changes in our friendship and discuss openly how we envision the changes and needs that are different. It is okay, and helpful, to discuss what you imagine you might need and be able to give, and talk about the changes that are occurring in the relationship. 

Some conversation starters might look like: 

“I would love to connect about what support and friendship might look like as you head into this season of change” 

“What do you imagine you might like from me during this time?”

“What do you imagine might be hardest for you to ask for?”  

Third lesson: Asking for help is helpful, and all too often we talk ourselves out of it for one reason or another. I know it can feel hard and vulnerable to share a need or call a friend when you are struggling. My encouragement is to find the people you trust and challenge yourself to ask anyway.

Some of the stories we might tell ourselves: 

“I don’t want to be a burden.” 

“I don’t want others to think I am not good enough, or am weak if I ask.” 

“I feel bad because they are already exhausted/overworked too.” 

“What if they think…(fill in the blank)” 

Perhaps, I have an unpopular opinion here, but what if we all admitted to ourselves that we are all burdens and it is okay.

We are human and we have needed care since birth so why don’t we all stop trying to ignore our needs and stop making ourselves so dang tiny. It’s inherently against our biology. Remember at the core we are animals and we need others to survive, just like every other species on this planet. Now, I am not saying don’t own your stuff and do what you can to take care of yourself, but don’t limit yourself from connection by thinking that you are an island who can/should do everything solo. 

When we ask for help we are inviting others into relationship with our specific needs and saying I trust you enough to see me and be with me in this hard thing. And to me that is really really special. It takes courage and trust to ask for help. Which on the receiving end can show the other person you trust them to help you care for something you want support in, which again creates space for sharing, honesty and care. 

Fourth lesson: It is okay to share when you can’t meet someone's needs. And on the flip side just because you ask does not mean that person will be able to meet you there in that moment, and that does not mean your need was too much, or stupid, or any other garbage you might tell yourself. Sometimes we need many folks to hold us depending on the thing we are going through, and when someone says “yes” they can be there for you, you want that to be true for them and not something that is going to tank their ship by giving to yours. We all might need a bigger net of support. 

When I am on the support side I can honestly say that it is a relief when my friends tell me what they need, because I can stop throwing darts at options, and figure out how, when, and what I can do to meet them there. I am also learning it is okay to validate a friend’s request and be honest about what I have to give at that time. Honesty is key in creating a healthy ecosystem of support. This could look like, “I don’t have space this week to support but know that I love you and I will check in with you when I have more to give.” Or “I can’t tonight, but I would love to offer this another time later this week.”

Fifth lesson: Support can take on many different forms. Simply listening without judgment or jumping into “fix it mode” can often be one of the most supportive forms of care. It shows that you trust your friend or loved one to find solutions to their situation, and that they will ask for advice or ideas if they need it. This is something I talk about in sessions all the time, and have to take home because I all too often want to jump in and try and “help solve” even if that is not what my friend needs in the moment.  

What would it take to be a little more honest and open with the people in your life about what you need and what you have capacity to give? Sometimes the best place to start is with being honest with ourselves about what support we do need, and validating that it is helpful and always okay to ask for help. 

Thanks for being here, 

Blair