Familiarity Does Not Always Equal Safety
It is all too easy to confuse familiarity with safety. Too often it seems easier to stay in a pattern we are familiar with than explore it and create change. This shows up in many places including our own biases, beliefs, and even in relationships where it is sometimes easier to ignore a behavior that is harmful instead of setting a boundary. I’ve written out some of the areas where I know I have been caught with my own comfort and familiarity. Check out some of the different examples and take some time this week for your own reflection of where familiarity may be keeping you stuck.
Here are three examples from my world:
Dating: When I was in my twenties I kept finding myself in relationships that recreated familiar patterns from my childhood. It was not until I really started to look at myself deeply in my own counseling that I realized I was creating these patterns in my relationships. Among a few different patterns, I struggled to communicate my needs effectively and ask for that in return. Identifying this pattern, and others, helped me look for it when I started dating again, and provided new awareness and confidence to discover what I did want to create in relationships. It took intention, being specific about what I wanted, saying no, staying curious about what I was attracted to, and asking is this simply familiar or is this actually safe?
In backcountry terrain: In avalanche training, one of the core elements discussed is the importance of paying attention to ourselves as a factor “human factors” of decision making. For example, we can easily misperceive that a backcountry run is “safe” if we have skied it many times without incident. However, if it is avalanche terrain (slope contains angles over 35 degree) then there is always a possibility of an avalanche with the right conditions. Familiarity of terrain without an “event” is one of many cognitive traps we can get caught in when making decisions in the backcountry. Each time we go out it is important to slow down and assess conditions for terrain. Just because it is familiar does not mean it is safe.
Thoughts: One core aspect of mental health awareness is becoming observers of our thoughts and emotions. In developing that practice you may notice there are usually recurring thought patterns that arise. The most common one I talk about with folks is thoughts containing self-criticism. Perhaps you have a script in your mind that goes something like, “you are so dumb” “why did you do that (or say that)...[insert personal judgment],” “you always mess these kinds of things up.” Often, our mind picks up phrases that someone else originally said to us and internalizes it as our own personal criticism the next time something happens. It may even be so familiar that you are not even aware it is there. The hard part is when we are self-critical our nervous system activates and the anxiety we already feel from making a mistake or doing something outside of our values doubles. Essentially it signals our body that there are two threats going on, one, being the thing we feel guilty about, and two, our own self-criticism. Those thoughts might be so familiar, yet they might not be helpful or safe for our body when we are under stress.
When we learn to pay attention to our mind and emotions we have an opportunity to learn how to truly assess safety. In dating, that might look like asking yourself what specifically you are attracted to when you are with a new person cross referencing that with insights about your patterns in previous relationships.
In skiing, it means really assessing terrain and safety each time you are in avalanche terrain, or in climbing making sure you are still being vigilant on a climb you have done a bunch of times.
In your mind, it may mean noticing the thoughts that increase anxiety and increasing compassion for yourself when you are going through something hard.
