The Uncertainty of Dating
Dating is, by nature, uncertain. Both partners are trying to assess and request qualities that make for a strong relationship. While this can be anxiety provoking, especially when you really like the other person, it can be an opportunity to learn more about yourself and make sure you are not simply getting swept into the “love cocktail” of biological dating hormones. These different neurochemical processes help us with our biological (not personal) goals of procreation, but they are less helpful in helping us determine a good fit for us in the long run.
Getting Started
Are you clear on what you want? Are you looking for a relationship(s) for the long-term, or do you want to date casually? Do you have aspects that you know are vital for you in a relationship? You get to decide the kinds of relationships that are right for you as long as you are clear personally and you communicate for consent and agreement. The clearer you are about what characteristics, lifestyle needs, and what aspects create healthy relationships for you, the better you will be at assessing, communicating and deciding who is right for you.
Love Cocktail
You may have heard colloquialisms like the “honeymoon phase” or “rose colored glasses” in reference to the first six months to a year of dating. These reference our biology's attention on procreation rather than seeking out qualities for long-term partnership. When we start a new relationship our body produces significantly more testosterone, estrogen, noradrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin and oxytocin to aid in the mating process, which can essentially give us the feelings of “being high” without the use of substances. This is not a bad thing, in fact it can create a lot of really beautiful and fun memories while you have an extra hormone boost to play, connect, and romance each other.
The key is balancing the input from your closest community with your own judgment. Do you have a close team of loved-ones there to help to see through your “love-cocktail” and ask hard questions when you are vetting new people in your life? Are you willing to let them in to help you decide whether this person is aligning with your needs and goals? This will be a process, you don’t have to know right away, and you may want time to assess for yourself first. Just don’t let that be your only metric, because many times we need our closest others to help us discover and challenge our blind spots.
Facing Uncertainty
You can’t prepare for everything which means uncertainty will be part of the process. While uncertainty can be unsettling and scary, it can also create space for new connections, depth, and beauty. Think of it this way, if you were heading out for a hike you would make sure you bring all the necessary equipment for if the worst case scenario happens. That way if something does go awry you are as prepared as you can be to weather a storm, to call for help, to get down off the summit if/when weather rolls in. You can’t avoid all risks, but the key is discerning how you will build support when things go a different direction than you want and when you are in distress.
Some essential tools include compassionate self-talk (are you able to be kind and caring when things are hard, or do you remain self-critical and blaming?), additional support (friends, therapists, and family) to help you challenge your thoughts and care for you as you process your emotions, and paying attention to your thought processes to challenge unhelpful “stories/thoughts” about you or the other person about “why” something happened. Instead, let yourself feel the emotions you are experiencing, own what you want to integrate from any of your experiences, and do your best to let go of the rest. Rejection is a risk, and while it is never easy, we can lighten the hardship if we build support.
Areas for reflection:
Am I looking for a long-term relationship, or someone new to get to know for a bit? Clarifying what you are looking for from the start helps all partners involved manage their expectations. It is important to discuss these as you begin to get to know someone new. There is no hard and fast rule on when the right time is, but I will say if you are clear on what you want and don’t express it, it can lead to more challenges down the road.
What characteristics and values are important in my next relationship? What would be a deal breaker for me? What patterns do I want to work on from my past relationship that will help me prepare to reenter the dating world?
What characteristics do you want to avoid or stay away from? Who in your life might help you assess that at the beginning stages of the relationship?
Dating is such a depthful time for self reflection, catching insecurities that may have been harboring, and practicing communication skills. Look for ways you can keep exploring parts of yourself, building more kindness and clarity, and hopefully lead to some really cool conversations with new people. If you want to dig in deeper, I highly recommend the book “Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate” by Dr. Stan Tatkin.
As always, don’t hesitate to connect with any questions or follow up you have!
