Planning & Goal Setting
Summer is here and the fast pace is already seeping in. In Montana, summer is a short and prized season. Once green covers the landscape, days are frequently spent playing in the rivers, trails, lakes, and parks. The question for many couples is: how do we decide how to spend our time off, especially if there are differing interests?
“How we spend our free time” can create tension in a relationship, especially if each person has differing needs for time off. Maybe one of you envisions weekends alpine running, and the other wants to go for a short hike and spend time in the park reading. How do you proceed?
The biggest key in decision making with couples is “mutual benefit” or a “win-win”. When working on plans and goals with one another I recommend a multi-step process.
First is the brainstorming stage. Put together a list of goals, ideas, projects you want to complete (you can have a list/column that is together and for you as individuals). Maybe there are some short-term goals like “I want to hike Hyalite Peak this summer together” or a longer-term goal like “I want to summit the Grand Teton with my climbing partner”. During this brainstorming stage, write down anything that comes to mind, without judgment. Next, go through and look for shared goals that you want to do as a couple vs. those you want to do solo.
When you are finished come back together to start looking for ideas that support both of your needs throughout the next season. I like using a strategy called cross questioning, which is where you switch positions and start to advocate for my partner’s goals and they do the same for mine. This could look like: “Okay, honey, this summer I think it would be amazing to see you accomplish running Hyalite Peak.” “What would you need to make this happen?” “What dates could we make this a go?” “What support might you need from me along the way to make it happen?” Then switch!
Next look for ways you can prioritize activities, goals and time spent together. What kinds of teamwork is needed to get you and your family out for the weekend? How can you split up responsibilities/tasks? What can you do to make some of the mundane ones more manageable and fun?
Then take a break, do something fun. We often get overwhelmed planning out our seasons, so we find it useful to drop the conversation for a while and come back to it when we have more energy. We usually have to plan our planning sessions too, so don’t hesitate to get that time chuck on the calendar.
When you pick it up again, check does this still feel like it supports both our needs? Or is there a way we can make it better? You are looking for ways to minimize stress and resentment later. Good negotiation means you are not compromising and stockpiling resentment later on, instead you both are ready with a plan that feels good and satisfies the relationship needs, and supports individual goals where possible. Remember: If only one person benefits from the plan, the relationship loses. This will take creativity and multiple drafts sometimes. Stay patient with each other, and if you want more depth on this topic, I recommend this link to an article I wrote last year for the PACT Institute.
Reach out if you get stuck, I hope this gets you all out having lots of fun this summer!
